Local News

Philadelphia News

05/17/11

  • ‘Spike in Asian racial tensions; setbacks in community unity’
  • ‘Japanese Pop Star returns – Operation Mimi Love. Show This Month’

04/09/11

  • UPENN undergrad disappearance unexplained’
  • “Mayor speaks out in support of anti-dog legislation. Cites recent mysterious dog attacks.”
  • “Broken Glass Murderer Still on the Loose – 7th Murder Victim Found”

03/19/11

  • “Northeast Philadelphia art projects suffer tragic and sudden sabotage”
  • “Broken Glass Murderer Strikes Third Time”

02/14/11

  • “Philadelphia Museum of Art to Display ‘Artifacts of the Nile: Ancient Gods or New Ones’”
  • “Celeste Burns Our Hearts – New Asian Pop Sensation Wows, Celeste Steps Out of the Fire”

01/19/11

  • “Chinatown Celebrates New Year With Hope”
  • “Local Murders Linked to One-Percenters”
  • “Five Car Accident on Market – Locals describe Superheroes”

12/31/10

  • “Flash Mobs in Nightclub District Outside Milk, Local Nightclub”
  • “Local Cemetery Broken Into- Dozens of Bodies Unearthed”
  • “Local Church Groups Claim Second-Coming”
  • CDC Warning: Outbreaks continue; Source Confounds Doctors”

11/07/10

  • “Discovery Aquarium in Camden, NJ Set Afire, Arson Suspected”
  • “Mass Shooting at the Swanky Kitten; Party Goes On”
  • CDC Warning: Outbreak of Cholera, Foreign Diseases, and Virulent Strains of Dormant Diseases”

10/31/10

  • “Dog Mangles Father in Front of Son at Dog Park Wednesday”
  • “Alice in Wonderland Killing Spree at Market Street Market” – When caught, woman says she wasn’t going to let the goblins get her- one way or another. Either she’d kill them all with her “cold iron knife” or she’d be locked up, safe and sound.
  • “More Early Devil’s Night Madness: Ben Franklin’s Erratic Motorcyclist Ends in Fatal Crash.”
  • “Halloween Weekend Gets Grisly Early Start. Cemetery Deaths.”
  • “Thursday Morning, Unknown Man Chained and Burned to Rogers Center Tree.” No other fire damage was found; no arson suspected. Police are not sure whether this has something to do with a cult, or perhaps even a Halloween hoax, accomplished with a corpse."

10/24/10

  • “Creature from the Black Lagoon Sighted Off Pennsylvania Shore on Delaware River”
  • “Strange Fires on Tinicum Island”
  • “Shoot-Out at Airport McDonald’s; 5 Dead” – Witnesses claim that 2 men with briefcases walked into a bathroom and when they walked out 4 Asian men unzipped carry-on sized luggage and pulled out sub-machine guns. They shot and killed the 2 men and 3 other bystanders.

10/17/10

  • “John Heinz Wildlife Refuge Receives Huge Grant”

10/10/10

  • “Explosion at Seven Dogs in Camden”

09/06/10

  • “Warehouse Break-Ins Along South and East Philly”

08/29/10

  • “Car Thefts on Rise in Northeast Philadelphia”

08/22/10

  • “Washington Square/South Philly Disappearances”

07/25/10

  • “Chinatown Summer Markets are a Delight” – Community members express pride in their diverse community. ‘People think of this as only ’Chinatown’ but there are north Chinese and South Chinese, Koreans and Vietnamese, even Thai and Japanese. We’re really from many different cultures, and we’re just starting to come together.

07/18/10

  • “Local Priest Pulled into Street and Run Down”

06/13/10

  • “With Rising Temperatures Police See Rise of Flash Mobs”

05/02/10

  • “Northeast Philly – The New Oldtown” – In the past couple months there have been a slew of gallery opening in the international community near Pennypack Park. ’It’s always been a neighborhood with potential, but now we’re just realizing that cheap rent, good food, and art go together.

04/25/10

  • “Philadelphia Sanitation Investigating Reports of 30’ Python in Sewers”

04/18/10

04/11/10

  • “Poki Products Releases Pastels Facial Cosmetics Line to Wide Appeal”

04/04/10

03/28/10

03/21/10

03/14/10

03/07/10

02/28/10

  • “Dulac-Bale, Pharmaceutical Corps. Posts Significant Gains; More Jobs” – The company has posted significant gains in sales and infrastructure expansion in the past two quarters. With its rise, it brings more jobs to the Philadelphia area.

02/21/10

  • “Miracle Koin Oil Continues” – Almost all oil barrels from last week’s spill were recovered at the bottom of the Deleware, undamaged. A representative from the company said that this was due to Koin’s superior safety measures in both shipping and handling, and blamed the entire near-tragedy on eco-terrorist organizations.

02/14/10

  • “Koin Industries Dumps Oil into the Deleware” – residents heartened by the miracle that somehow a shipping vessel with thousands of gallons of oil suffered explosive damage and sunk and somehow did not spill its contents into the river.
  • “Riot Fires See Philadelphia Lose Historic Monuments” – Several key landmarks were significantly damaged or permanently destroyed in the winter flash mobs last week. The National Historic society lamented…
  • “Collapse of the Byberry Asylum” – Less than two weeks after an explosion rocked the quiet suburb of Philadelphia, one of the main buildings collapsed. Surveyors already suspected that the foundations were in dire need of replacement and recommended the Asylum be torn down. The upcoming retirement facility will need to excavate the ruins and rebuild on top.

02/05/10 Breaking News

  • “Explosion Rocks Community Near Benjamin Rush Park” – Sometime around 4 am explosion rocks the
    quiet streets near the old Byberry Asylum. Rezone, the agency in charge of demolishing the
    asylum and building the new retirement community, claims it was not responsible in any way.
    Vandals again? Gangs? Additionally, van stolen. Search and investigation underway.
  • “Record Snowfall” – With snowfall reaching 1 foot and still climbing, residents are coming out
    to the stores before they close. And they’re not just stocking up on food and water! Ice
    skates, sleds, snowboards, and skis are caught in a buyer’s frenzy! Amidst the excitement,
    officials urge residents to remain calm and indoors. They report record numbers of accidents
    and considerable spike in crime.
  • “Snow Emergency” – Mayor declares the city in a state of emergency as night approaches and the
    snow doesn’t let up. Another foot expected overnight.
  • “Faith Healing, Philadelphia Style” – Cure the winter doldrums and re-inspire yourself.
    Radisson Hotel hosting Christian mass event on Wednesday, February 9th. Proceeds go to the
    homeless to alleviate winter needs. We hope the weather lets up for this event.

02/04/10

  • “Repeated Snowstorms Cause Dangerous Conditions” – The weekend brings another storm. The snow
    from the last storm has not melted entirely, freezing and then receiving a fresh dusting last
    night. Black ice warnings across the city.
  • “2 Parking Lot Murder Victims Turn Up in Delaware” – Monday, Police found one body which led
    them to search for the second along the Fishtown/ Delaware River border. Search is underway,
    but weather forecast threatens to stall investigation.
  • “Break-In at Poki” – Locally famed Poki Products reports organized break-in. Suspect animals
    rights terrorism. Hundreds of thousands in damage and computers compromised.

11/28/09

  • “Police Arrest ‘Ghostbuster’ in City Hall Tower” – The man was found after the William Penn
    observation platform was closed for the night, claiming he hoped to catch footage of William
    Penn’s ghost.
  • “Can Trees Read Your Mind?” – Scientists believe some trees can resonate with human emotion,
    growing faster when exposed to positive emotions more sickly with negative emotions.
  • “Immortal Jellyfish Found” – Since it is capable of cycling from a mature adult stage to an
    immature polyp stage and back again, there may be no natural limit to its life span. They’re
    now found in oceans around the globe rather than just in their native Caribbean waters. “We
    are looking at a worldwide silent invasion,” says Dr. Maria Miglietta of the Smithsonian
    Tropical Marine Institute.
  • “Russian Teenager Designs Noiseless Electric Rifle” – Russia’s Defense Ministry has shown
    interest in the new electomechanical rifle the performance of which exceeds that of sniper
    weapons. The rifle was invented by a schoolboy in the city of Ufa.

11/21/09

  • “Mean Girl Fashion and Beauty Rules at Temple” – Recently leaked, six-page document by
    Temple’s Pi Phi sorority includes restrictions on everything from types of brands (“No
    American Apparel leggings”) and price points, to rules about heel height and pants length (“No
    cropped pants. Ugh.”) There are also loads of grooming demands, makeup requirements, and a
    non-negotiable set of laws about accessories, which every girl in Pi Phi “must” wear.
  • “Protesters Prepare Anti-Thanksgiving Day Protest” – Group of associated protesters organize
    for pre-Thanksgiving Day demonstration.
  • “Explosion Rock 30th St. Station!” – Witnesses claim biker ninjas with claws fight samurai
    death metal band after John Lennon terrorist throws grenade down an escalator shaft. Lucky
    for Philly, Chase Randall was on the scene to wrestle the terrorist to the ground.
  • “Parking Lot Murders Reach 7 Total!” – no new leads say police.
  • “University of Pennsylvania Holds Conference on Penn’s Betrayal” – Will also include open
    seminars and open conversation times

_11/14/09

  • “Nightclub Guard Whacks Off Client’s Hand with Saber” – Police respond to alarm on early
    morning, Thursday, at the Bubbles nightclub to see two men running from club, with one of them
    attacking the other, chopping off his hand.
  • “Parking Lot Murders Continue!” – 3 more murder of males. New information: all victims were
    artists. Police suspect connection to murderer through this.
  • “Poki Products Unveils New Line; Stores Sold Out” – Poki products released a new line of
    makeup designed to stimulate wearer’s own hormones through natural olfactory stimuli. Stores
    sold out in just one week.
  • “Mysterious Halo Over Moscow” – We’re the first to admit that a photograph of the heavenly
    cloud appears to be photoshopped. It’s just so…perfect. But meterologists have spoken up and
    said the cloud wasn’t digitally altered.

11/07/09

  • “Parking Lot Murders” – 2 murders of young male students in Old City. Reminiscent of the 1909
    Painter Murders. Students afraid to walk at night now.
  • “Trouble at the Valleyforge Sewage Authority” – Prowler lurks the sewage treatment plant and
    scares locals.
  • “Traffic Light Woes” – Inexplicable power outages in just traffic lights and street lights
    along residential roads in west Philly.

10/31/09

  • “Devil’s Night Fires” – 6 separate arson fires in highly populated places strains Philadelphia authorities’ ability to respond. Community Center. Apartment Building. Retirement Home. Row houses. Bar. Restaurant.

10/15/09

  • “U.S. Military Rifles Inscribed with Bible Codes” – Trijicon, which has a multi-year contract for $660 million with U.S. Military, places biblical codes on the sights of rifles sold to the U.S. Military.
  • “2 Year Old Found Wandering Streets with Glass Pipe and Bottle of Pills” – At 3pm, Thursday afternoon, Dorothy Locksley was found walking on the corner of Marshall and Federal. Father arrested.

10/08/09

  • “Byberry Asylum Renovation Stalls” – Plans to remodel the old Byberry Asylum are stalled for geological and historical surveys.
  • Deadly yellow vapors were spotted again this morning rising from a storm drain south of Johnson Park. This makes the sixth sighting of the strange fumes in the last three months but the first sighting in the Gloucester City district.

10/01/09

  • “Gunmen Open Fire at Primrose” – no known suspects and no injuries. The restaurant closed early that evening to wash the carpets but in an ironic and horrifying turn of events, was broken into, riddled with bullets, and vandalized. Bar counter torn in half through unknown means.
  • “Medical Center Bust” – Medical center, TRIAD, under investigation after an anonymous call tipped off FBI and local law enforcement but investigation hampered by a number of technicalities and strange lack of evidence.
  • CCC is Back” – The celebrated Black Curtain Cabernet is back for a month of Halloween performances.

09/24/09

  • “Eco-terrorists Strike Again!” – Jensen Cosmetics sites recent power outages and blames local eco-terrorists
  • “The White Dog Downtown Cultured Quirks” – New bar in downtown waterfront district, newly renovated, brings quirky art out of the Old City District and in to the night life.
  • Irish Festival draws record crowds to the Jersey Shore. The atmosphere of good cheer turned rowdy and violence was only barely averted early Saturday morning when police interrupted a group of revelers breaking windows in the adjacent Vietnamese dominated district.

09/17/09

  • “Vilsick golds Violence Charity” – Philanthropist Duncan Vilsick holds charity for the victims and grieving families of gang violence in north Philadelphia community center. Avery Harrington contributes large sum after opening speech citing his recent experiences.
  • “Castle Brings Commerce and Ethics to District 11” – Rep. Phillip Castle meets at the Philadelphia Chamber of Commerce to coordinate national industry through Philadelphia

06/24/09

  • “Gang Violence at Local Movie Theater” – An argument between two rival gang members erupted into violence last night leaving three wounded and one dead at the downtown Riverview Theater. Police took over a dozen witnesses to the downtown precinct to take their stories before releasing them.
  • Police arrest four members of the militant Christian group Soldiers of Faith in connection with the arson of the Clearblue Naturopathic Wellness Center in the Whitman neighborhood last month.

06/14/09

  • 2nd District Congressman Samuel Drake resigns amidst a storm of criticism surrounding the revelation of his ten year affair with the Jeanette Williams, the wife of a prominent Baptist minister.
  • Ten year longitudinal study finds an increase in large animal attacks in urban Philadelphia parks.
  • Obstetric doctor stabbed over fifty times by pregnant woman in parking lot of hospital. The attacker was eventually wrestled off the doctor who is currently in critical condition at Holy Redeemer.

05/13/09

  • Producer Quentin Tarantino arrested at the Philadelphia Film Festival for chopping off the finger of local film director. Sources say the men were drinking heavily and the incident was the result of a wager.
  • Body of local man found drained completely of blood. Police suspect teen “vampire cult” responsible.
  • Firefighters battle a three alarm fire that ravaged a city block in the Whitman neighborhood of South Philadelphia destroying a large medical clinic. Fire Marshall suspects arson and police are investigating.

04/08/09

  • Local philanthropist Lord Avery Harrington establishes generous foundation for the treatment of psychotic disorders after police drop all charges following three separate allegations of kidnapping. Investigators searched the landmark Harrington Estate early this week and found no evidence of the accusers’ outlandish claims.
  • Witnesses report freak forked lightning strike kills two armed muggers! The target of the attempted mugging fled the scene before police arrived.

04/03/09

  • “The Jersey Devil Caught?”- The famed jersey devil has apparently been found by a local taxidermy student, Philip Schneider. The student used “poison to eliminate what was thought to be a rodent problem in a friend’s barn” located at the border of Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
  • “Bird Watchers Baffled by the Return of the Nightingales”- Local biologists and bird watchers had been warning that nightingale populations seem to have disappeared from the Philadelphia area. Now all of a sudden, nightingales have returned to some of the parks outside western Philadelphia.

03/28/09

  • “Popular neighborhood coach goes on a one man killing spree before being gunned down by police. Seven are dead and three left in serious to critical condition at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital.”
  • “Locals increase pressure on city to demolish the abandoned Philadelphia State Hospital at Byberry after police responding to gunshots discover a bound security guard and the body of a brutally murdered man earlier this week.”
  • “Mayor Nutter appears in televised debate calling for a “Crime Emergency”. His proposal would increase police presence in select areas, impose a curfew on residents, and authorize a warrant-less police search technique known as “stop-and-frisk.”"
  • “Local candy store chain “Fanny Ju Candies” shut down by federal agents yesterday citing investigation into criminal syndicate ties."

03/16/2009

  • “The Green Lady Strikes Again”- Locals say ‘The Green Lady’ behind Germantown murders of adults and children. Witnesses claim they have seen a woman in a green jacket on the blocks of children who have gone missing, just prior to disappearances. Several adults have also been stabbed to death in these vicinities.
  • “Bush’s Wiretapping Program More Extensive Than Originally Thought”- The Bush administration built an unprecedented surveillance operation to pull in mountains of information far beyond the warrantless wiretapping previously acknowledged, a team of federal inspectors general reported Friday, questioning the legal basis for the effort but shielding almost all details on grounds they’re still too secret to reveal.
  • “Dominick and Doofus to Air Again After 52 Years”- 52 years after Samantha Smith’s grizzly murder put an end to the children’s TV program producers resurrect it for 9am weekdays. Watch for it!
  • “Wilson children go missing again! This time not found!”- Some witnesses claim to have seen them being pulled into a taxi. Taxi cab driver, Simran Gaurtek, claims to have seen a man with a butcher’s knife in his jacket pull the kids inside, joined by another who stole a pedestrian’s phone at gun point.

03/09/2009

  • “Willowgrove Family Children Missing” – Maggie Wilson 15, Oliver Wilson 12, and Lisa Wilson 5 all go missing. Parents call on Philadelphia citizens to be watchful and contact authorities immediately with information on wherabouts of their children.
  • “Professor Found Dead on Train Tracks, Possible Murder”- Professor Henry Adriano, consultant curator for the Academy of Natural Sciences and adjunct professor for the Temple University found dead, apparently ran over by a late night Metroliner from Washington D.C. Witnesses say they saw him jump in the way of the train, but several passengers say they saw a shadowy figure beside the tracks-implying he was pushed and murdered, says police official who wishes to remain anonymous due to ongoing investigation.
  • “Doctors Reviving the Dead at Hahneman Hospital”- Using new techniques pioneered in Los Angeles and Japan and Taiwan, doctors are now reviving 80% of patients who are clinically dead for as much as two and a half hours. Generally only 20% survive.

03/08/2009

  • “Military Hush-Up: Incoming Space Rocks Now Classified”- Military makes satellite information about incoming space material classified.
  • “Northeast Residents Call for Demolition of Byberry State Hospital”- Residents complain of the constant eyesore and danger to the community. The cite the increasing numbers of gangs, satanic cults, illegal exploration and trespassing, and other visitors and complain of the health risks.

03/01/2009

• “Princess Fever Runs High In Pre-Teens”- teens flock to stores for Princess Slips, the new fashion for young girls, gaining the company record-high sales

• “Scientists Find Gigantic Cephalopod Off Jersey Shore”- they have been unable to identify the creature as of yet, but local beach authorities have restricted access to the beach where it was found.

• “Locals Witness Frenzying Birds”- witnesses complain of a disturbance in Walnut Hill, described as a murder of crows frenzying- disrupting traffic, attacking pedestrians, sending 1 to hospital in intensive care

• “Washington Square Murders Continue”- The newest victim was found on the local police station steps at 2:13 am. Apparently, Jerome Maine was playing basketball until about 1:30, say local teens. Police are investigating whether or not murders are gang-related or if this is some sort message from the Doorstep slasher.

• “Girl Scouts Complete Homeless Valentine Program”- Despite being one week late, the Philadelphia chapter of Girl Scouts completes their Homeless Valentine Program after receiving proper chaperones.

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